Monday, January 09, 2006

New Year's forecast.

Assalamualaikum wbt..

2006 is here! Am i suppose to be happy? well, to be frank, i'm not very thrill... it is almost a year went by since i lost my beautiful babies and i'm still not pregnant... i know people will definitely ask "dah ade ke?" "bile nak pregnant lagi?" etc..etc.. then when i reply "belum" with a fake smile. Then they will surely answer "takpela, nanti ade la tu" "oo ye ke" and some people do tell me "kuruskan la badan dulu sikit, baru senang skit".. just thinking about this makes me unhappy, makes me despise family reunion, meeting friends and the rest of the world.

It's not that i'm not happy.. it's just that i'm not feeling anything inside me... except for loneliness, pain, emptiness and more pain. Ah..the pain is very unbearable sometimes.. it makes me want to choke... lately i always feel dissapointed with myself. This stupid uterus! why couldn't you hold the embyro??

Most of the time i just want to be alone, where nobody can say something that could hurts my feelings, where i don't have to see other parents with their babies, where i can express my feeling freely, without having to pretend that i'm ok, i could not make myself to admit even to my own mother how i felt, how the event of losing my babies is hurting me more than i can endure, i just can't..i can only discuss it with my beloved husband. Thank you Allah for giving me such a wonderful husband.

Pls Fariza, pls remember that there are so many other things that you should be thankful about... or else i don't think i can survive much longer.. Ya Allah, kurniakanlah kami pengganti Amni2 kami.. ameen.